I'm Sorry If Anyone Was Offended....

Isn't that the worst kind of non-apology apology? Why do we hear that, all the time, from politicians and business leaders, from religious leaders and "comedians".

We all know the subtext: I didn't really do/say anything wrong, but my PR people have told me that I should apologize.

It's right up there with "Mistakes were made."

And we know what that means: I've found an underling on whom I can blame this mess, and he is so fired. As soon as he signs that non-disclosure agreement.

I've written before (in a 2010 post, here) about the importance of real apologies. A real apology can rebuild a dangerously broken relationship. A non-apology? Not so much.

A real apology acknowledges that "I screwed up." It says, "I'm sorry about that." And it goes on to "I'm going to fix this."

A non-apology begins and ends with "I'm sorry".

Given how I feel about real apologies, you can imagine how delighted I was to read Andrew Ross Sorkin's DealBook column in today's New York Times, "Too Many Sorry Excuses for Apology". He writes,

The age of the apology is clearly upon us — and it is not just about being polite. It has become de rigueur, an almost reflexive response among leaders to a mistake or, worse, a true crisis. The art of the apology has become a carefully choreographed dance: Say you are sorry, show vulnerability, tell everyone you are “taking responsibility” and then end with, “I hope to put this behind me.”

If you’re questioning the sincerity of this apology movement, there’s good reason. 

And then he quotes the chief executive of consulting firm LRN, Dov Seidman, calls the current craze for non-apology apologies "apology theater." Or even "apology-washing".

Pause, please, for the applause.

Sorkin quotes Seidman again:

Apologies, by their nature, are remedial; they seek to mitigate damage that has already been done. When admitting wrongdoing can cost an organization significant revenue or an individual his or her job, life or liberty, the temptation to avoid this gesture is enormous.

And that's precisely why a real apology is such a rare beast.

Seidman himself has written a great essay for the Times' DealBook (here) in which he calls for an "apology cease-fire".And then goes on to lay out the characteristics that make a true apology so powerful.
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A real apology is the start of real transformation. If I'm not ready for that, you shouldn't want my "Sorry".